How Do You Keep Looking Forward?

This is something I struggle with on a daily basis lately…constantly worried about today & whats going on with my body and why things aren’t happening for us when we try so hard. “Why aren’t we getting pregnant? Why won’t this work for us? Why do I have an autoimmune disease? Why hasn’t IVF worked yet? Where will we get the money for all this? Why does this have to be so hard? Why was my Dad taken from me at so young when I need him right now? What will the genetic results come back as and how will this shape our future? Why, why, why?!?”…πŸ˜–
I forget to be hopeful, I forget to look forward to the good that could come for Mike & I. I sometimes forget to be thankful.
Changing your mindframe after going through what we have is very hard. It’s easy to say “look at all the good things in our life and what we have accomplished” but none of that matters (in the moment) when the one thing you desire is basically out of my/our control. We can do everything right but still end in an unhappy end result. πŸ”ΈοΈπŸ”ΉοΈπŸ”ΈοΈ
My goal for the next 4 weeks as we countdown until our gentic results come in is to try and look more forward to the future and be hopeful. To have faith things will work out as they should. πŸ™
To enjoy what we have now. To keep looking & moving forward…one step at a time…one day at a time until we get there. Until I get there…wherever ‘there’ may be as its uncertain right now.
If any of you struggling with infertility or any hardships and have ever felt like I do please let me know. Lets keep supporting each other and lifting each other up. Lets keep our heads above water. I’ll tread water for you as long as I can and I ask you do the same for someone else. πŸŠβ€β™€οΈπŸπŸ’œπŸ€

#womensupportingwomen #infertility #ttctribe #infertilitywarriors #ttcsisters #autoimmune #community #infertilitysucks #infertilityawareness #lowovarianreserve #IVF #myivfjourney #keeplookingforward #justkeepswimming #headabovewater #strength #courage #faith #hope


Update on What’s Been Happening

So I haven’t updated really what’s going on since our last failed IVF cycle.

Saw the Dr and he recommended either trying another cycle while adding growth hormone to the mix, considering donor eggs or πŸ™ for a natural miracle.

He said basically two reasons an embryo doesn’t implant 1. The uterus lining wasn’t good enough (but we know I scored 9/10 on my Matris so that wasn’t an issue for me) or 2. The embryo wasn’t as good as they thought it was based on how it appeared microscopically on day 5. Meaning it looked good day 5 but somewhere btwn then and implantation it stopped developing.

After this appointment we saught out a 2nd opinion (just to be safe & feel 100% confident) just to see someone elses thoughts & she was lovely, smart and straight to the point. She is quite concerned with our continued poor embryo development not getting past day 3 of growth as thats where we lose majority of our fertilized embryos and that it may be more than just poor egg quality. She is worried that there may be a genetic issue causing the embryos to be unable to develop and continue their growth (which would also explain why both our day 5 embryos didn’t implant and failed also).

This came as quite a shock to me as never was brought up to us before and I even asked about this after the 1st failed cycle to my doctor. Basically, she said if there is a genetic component then biological is no longer feasible. There is nothing that can be done to fix/cure a genetic abnormality or chromosomal deficiency. If my eggs have the genetic condition then we would have to consider donor eggs or other options or potentially a childless life. If its Mike’s sperm then same thing (but shes 99% sure it’s not him). She also is running some specific autoimmue tests since I have CFS as she said not uncommon for ppl with autoimmune issues for their bodies to attack their ovaries which could also explain my low ovarian reserve. We’ve been running on assumption I was just born with a low egg reserve.

So to say I’m terrified that our dream of having a biological child from both parents could possibly be over is an understatement. I can hardly breath just thinking about it. I have anxiety that my body is going to fail me…again.

We go tomorrow to the hospital in Toronto for the testing…on my birthday of all days. Then the agonizing 8 week wait for the results & follow up appointment.
So no decisions or treatments can be made now until we know. We are officially back in limbo and I HATE it.
I’m feeling sad & sorry for myself & my hubby. I want to be able to do something or fix this but there’s nothing I can do to change these results. They will either be positive or negative. For the first time in this infertility journey…im praying for a negative.
Please keep us in your prayers! πŸ™πŸ˜¬πŸ€ž
#happybirthdaytome #not #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #ttc #ivffailure #ivfjourney #infertilitywarrior #infertility #lowovarianreserve #poorembryodevelopment #ttccommunity #ttctribe #babydust #pregnancy #ABabyfortheBaloghs

Infertility is Ruling My Life: I Want to Have Fun Again

This post was written for Fertility Matters Canada online but I felt important to share here on my personal blog also.

If you asked me four years ago what I would be doing today about to turn 31 years old, I would have stated that I would be happily married with one or two kiddies running circles around me and my hubby. πŸ‘Ά I would be itching to get away with my husband for some quality one on one time as it was scarce and hard to come by these days. We would be saving up to take our kids to Disney World to experience it together as neither of us ever went as children. We have imagined the magic in their eyes light up when they see that Disney castle 🏰 .We would watch as our kids learn to adapt to the world around them in awe and wonder of the little mini-me’s we created. We would be happy, in love and content with life.

Alas, this is the perfect dream but life is not always perfect-actually far from it for those of us still struggling with infertility and trying for our miracle

This is merely a dream as our reality is much different. As I sit typing this about to turn 31 years of age on Monday, I feel disheartened that my life has not turned out to this point as my husband & I have hoped. We are very happily married but there are no children running around us. There is no savings account for Disney World instead there is a line of credit that’s mounting up fast from the continued infertility treatments and failed IVF cycles. Where there should be joy and wonder watching our kids grow up there is heartache and longing that fills those voids. While parents are busy preparing their kids to go back to school its just another month for us. There is doctor appointment after doctor appointment and decreasing percentages for success with each failed attempt. Where there once was optimism now there is fear. Fear that we will never have that ‘dream life’ we have always longed for. Fear that life will never fully feel complete if we cannot have biological children of our own. Sadness that so many around us are blessed with their beautiful children and we can only experience it from the outside.

When I think back to my younger self at age 27 when we first started trying to conceive- there was so much hope, excitement and positivity. We were filled with anticipation of seeing those two lines appear on the pregnancy test and imagined the looks on our parents faces when we told them they were going to be grandparents (again for Mike’s family) and that my Nana was going to be a great-grandmother finally! With each month and year that passed that excitement has turned to frustration, stress and anxiety. The hope started to turn to worry that this may never work out for us. Happiness faded and depression crept in. Then I asked myself, “when did infertility start to rule my life?”. The answer was apparent- the moment I was diagnosed. Since then we have been putting our lives on hold and saying no to things because ‘we could get pregnant’ or ‘we need the money for IVF’ and ‘I can’t drink anyways what if this month is the month’! That is when I realized things needed to change for Mike and I for both our sanity and our emotional well-being. You only get one life in this world- LIVE IT!

That being said we just got back from 6 glorious nights spent on the beach in Nassau, Bahamas sipping on delicious drinks, eating good food, swimming, lounging and we even snorkelled with the caribbean reef sharks! For the first time in the past 2-3 years since we’ve been knee deep in IVF and infertility treatments- I felt the spark of life reignited with me. We both felt relaxed, happy & at peace. We forgot about all our struggles and focused on the ‘right now’. This is what life is about. Spending time with people you love doing the things that you love. It is ok to remind ourselves of this every once in a while during this incredible uphill climb that we call Infertility.

We are warriors, and every now and again even warriors need a break. I’m here to remind you that taking a much needed and deserved break is NOT a sign of weakness and is not giving up. It is important to refuel and recharge so that you are ready to face the next challenge or be ready to celebrate your success with everything you have! πŸ₯‚ πŸ™

Life is hard…It’s not what we expected.

Saw this at Hallmark and it really resonated with me β™‘

Life isn’t always what we want or pictured, theres not always good fortune or white pickette fences. Rainbows don’t always lead to a pot of gold. And good people don’t always get a baby of their own on the timeline they hoped for…and for some not at all.

Unfortunately Mike & I have learned this the hard way. Four years ago we planned and started trying for a family . I was naive thinking it would be easy. We loved each other and were happy.. .why wouldnt we get blessed with a child. We will be amazing parents! I was even as bold as to think i could plan what season I wanted to have our baby (summer of course like moi).

As the months and years rolled by I learned life wasn’t going to go like I had planned. Its still isn’t. Never in a million years did I think I would be diagnosed with infertility and low ovarian reserve (low egg count) & be praying that science combined with love and a miracle will bring us a little bundle of joy. Never did I think we would do IVF and then have it fail….twice! Never would I have imagined that at 30 years old I would be told that my eggs are of poor quality & that im perimenopausal. Never did I think it would cost me around $50k just for the chance to have my/our own child. Never did I think we would be considering a third round of IVF after soo much heartache…

But here I am. Each day is a struggle. But I get up and I keep going. I want to enjoy my life again with my husband. I want us to thrive & just have fun again!! I am going to continue to fight for myself and for him. We both deserve it.

This journey is hard- its depressing, frustrating, maddening, exercises patience no one knew we had, baby envy is real people, and it’s so damn physically exhausting & emotionally taxing beyond belief. If you’re one of my #ttcsisters & #IVFwarriors you understand what I’m talking about. If not, I hope this gives a glimpse into what it’s like to be on this journey of infertility. And I hope you never have to join me on it.

Thanks for your continued support and to those that have reached out to me. Xoxo

#infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #infertility #ttctribe #ivf #ivfjourney #pregnancy #hopingtobepregnant #infertilityblog #ttc #ivffailure #ABabyfortheBaloghs #hope

IVF Turns Forty!!

Congratulations to #IVF for celebrating 40 years of helping families get their miracle baby through science. πŸ™Œ Happy birthday to #LouiseBrown the worlds first baby born via IVF. 🎈

Now….what we need to do better is make funding available worldwide to help families grow…and not funding limited to “one try” (although appreciated) when we know statistics have proven IVF on average takes at least a few tries to be successful. It does not work for everyone on the first try like many think. It certainly hasn’t for us.

Why is there no help?! Why won’t insurance companies recognize infertility treatment as necessary & support our community of women and men?! Its maddening & unfair. No one wants this. Its physically & emotionally difficult and a huge financial hardship. Some people can’t even try IVF because they don’t have the financial means and this is not right or just. I truly wish I could win the lottery and open up a charity for those with Infertility. We are warriors….we deserve help too. This is a medical disease and needs more recognition. β€πŸ™πŸπŸ‘ΆπŸ€°

#ivfturns40 #happybirthdayIVF #IVF #ivfsisters #infertility #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #ttc #ttccommunity #supportivf #supportivffamilies #embryo #pleasehelp #hope #miraclebaby #stillwaiting #ABabyfortheBaloghs #pineapplewarriors

My Dad…Forever in my heart β™‘


12 years ago today I held your hand for the last time and promised you I would be ok. 🀝 Everyday I try to live up to that promise. This past year has been especially hard. There are many days I just don’t know how I will make it. I wonder how much can one heart survive in a lifetime. How much loss can one person bear. But you taught me strength, courage and a love for adventure. You loved every minute of life through each hardship & through the amazing times. You smiled and got up every day even though cancer was throughout your bones & body causing you unimaginable pain. You had a family to live for. And we shall never forget your strength, positivity, willfulness, and undying hope & perseverance.

Today I get up for you Dad and make the promise to not give up and to love life through the hardships and the pain. Because life is good. I am blessed with the love of a man who is a lot like you in many wonderful ways β™‘, a mother who loves & fights for her kids, sisters that I adore, a Nana that loves without limits, wonderful in-laws, a bestie I can count on and many great friendships.

Today I quietly enjoy this day in your honour.

Forever your little girl, your Fairchild.

I love you, always.

What its really like to struggle with infertility.

*Sensitive post. Video posted may be upsetting to watch. Warning tears are shed*

I’m sharing this very vulnerable private moment I had last week after receiving our heartbreaking news that the IVF had failed and my biggest fears had come true, once again. We are not pregnant. You may wonder why I filmed such a sensitive moment and truthfully I don’t know why. I just pulled out my phone while laying in bed and started talking to myself. And then I listened to myself and I grieved .

Even though many of us battling infertility can smile and appear okay on the outside it often is not at all how we really feel. I speak for many infertility warriors when I say getting through each day without a complete meltdown is an accomplishment. Getting out of bed in the morning can feel like a challenge after having baby dreams all night or even the nightmares of never having them. I haven’t concluded which I find to be worse yet. Infertility is hard. It friggen sucks!

If you know someone who is going through this I encourage you to give them a hug when you see them next and remind them how strong and courageous they are. I assure you it will make that person or couples day. Infertility has been the lonliest battle I have ever endured. I feel like Mike & I have been living in a bubble of our own silently for the past 3.5 years and only recently popped that bubble when I decided to go public with our journey. Honestly its been a relief though. I no longer have to hide my saddness afraid what other people will think of me. I don’t have to force myself to go out when I just don’t feel like it because people would wonder what’s wrong. I can just feel how I feel and not care about anything but how to get through this journey with my husband and come out the other side as unscathed as we can.

Thats why I have chosen to share this video. This is me. This is my pain. I don’t want to hide it anymore. This is my truth. It sucks, it’s ugly at times, it is certainly painful but its mine. Its ours. I own it. And I’m thankful that not every day feels as bad as that one did (in the video below). Today I feel sad & I’m struggling. Today I don’t want to leave my house or be apart of the world. But then I remind myself this is my life and the future is still not written. And that gives me hope.

If you are someone who is struggling reading this; I hope this video reassures you that you are not alone in your saddness and your hardships. And I am rooting for you. Xo

#infertility #ivfjourney #ivfsisters #ttc #dontgiveuphope