12 years ago today I held your hand for the last time and promised you I would be ok. 🤝 Everyday I try to live up to that promise. This past year has been especially hard. There are many days I just don’t know how I will make it. I wonder how much can one heart survive in a lifetime. How much loss can one person bear. But you taught me strength, courage and a love for adventure. You loved every minute of life through each hardship & through the amazing times. You smiled and got up every day even though cancer was throughout your bones & body causing you unimaginable pain. You had a family to live for. And we shall never forget your strength, positivity, willfulness, and undying hope & perseverance.
Today I get up for you Dad and make the promise to not give up and to love life through the hardships and the pain. Because life is good. I am blessed with the love of a man who is a lot like you in many wonderful ways ♡, a mother who loves & fights for her kids, sisters that I adore, a Nana that loves without limits, wonderful in-laws, a bestie I can count on and many great friendships.
Today I quietly enjoy this day in your honour.
Forever your little girl, your Fairchild.
I love you, always.
*Sensitive post. Video posted may be upsetting to watch. Warning tears are shed*
I’m sharing this very vulnerable private moment I had last week after receiving our heartbreaking news that the IVF had failed and my biggest fears had come true, once again. We are not pregnant. You may wonder why I filmed such a sensitive moment and truthfully I don’t know why. I just pulled out my phone while laying in bed and started talking to myself. And then I listened to myself and I grieved .
Even though many of us battling infertility can smile and appear okay on the outside it often is not at all how we really feel. I speak for many infertility warriors when I say getting through each day without a complete meltdown is an accomplishment. Getting out of bed in the morning can feel like a challenge after having baby dreams all night or even the nightmares of never having them. I haven’t concluded which I find to be worse yet. Infertility is hard. It friggen sucks!
If you know someone who is going through this I encourage you to give them a hug when you see them next and remind them how strong and courageous they are. I assure you it will make that person or couples day. Infertility has been the lonliest battle I have ever endured. I feel like Mike & I have been living in a bubble of our own silently for the past 3.5 years and only recently popped that bubble when I decided to go public with our journey. Honestly its been a relief though. I no longer have to hide my saddness afraid what other people will think of me. I don’t have to force myself to go out when I just don’t feel like it because people would wonder what’s wrong. I can just feel how I feel and not care about anything but how to get through this journey with my husband and come out the other side as unscathed as we can.
Thats why I have chosen to share this video. This is me. This is my pain. I don’t want to hide it anymore. This is my truth. It sucks, it’s ugly at times, it is certainly painful but its mine. Its ours. I own it. And I’m thankful that not every day feels as bad as that one did (in the video below). Today I feel sad & I’m struggling. Today I don’t want to leave my house or be apart of the world. But then I remind myself this is my life and the future is still not written. And that gives me hope.
If you are someone who is struggling reading this; I hope this video reassures you that you are not alone in your saddness and your hardships. And I am rooting for you. Xo
#infertility #ivfjourney #ivfsisters #ttc #dontgiveuphope
I’ve been trying to think of the right words to convey how I feel right now…the truth is there are no words that could ever explain the pain, sadness & anger I feel. It consumes me and takes over every aspect of my life. Surviving each day is a constant struggle.
Its not fair!
I’m fed up with doing everything right and ending up with the same results. I’m fed up feeling like a failure, a constant disappointment. I’m fed up seeing the sadness flood in my husband’s face & eyes each time I tell him ‘it didn’t work again- We aren’t pregnant ‘. It breaks my heart. It breaks his.
I’m tired of seeing pregnancy announcements daily, getting baby shower invites and seeing gender reveals on facebook/instagram and crying a little more on the inside with each one as everyone else succeeds where I continue to fail. Now I’m not an asshole- I’m happy for my friends & family that get to grow their families and experience the joy I so badly want for myself & my husband. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. It just gets to a point…why them and not me? Why do they get a 2nd or 3rd child and we can’t even get pregnant?! I am a good person, a good wife, a good friend. People keep telling me “good things happen to good people” but thats just not true. Good things don’t always happen to good people like we think they should. Like we hope they will.
Have you ever wanted something so bad you dream about it every night. I have a closet of baby clothes and items that I wonder will I ever get the chance to use or will they serve as a constant reminder of what we don’t have. I wish someone could answer this for me…but no one can.
Four years ago Mike & I got married and shortly after we decided to start our family. We were SO excited for this new journey. Now here I sit with our wedding anniversary fast approaching as I think of the last 4 years and all the pain and heartache we’ve endured. Especially in the past 7 months with our IVF journey. But we are strong. We are survivors. We will get through this as we have the love of each other which only grows stronger with each day. We are not giving up. Not yet. We are meeting with the Doctor in August to see what options we have left. Its going to get expensive, it already has cost a lot! But can you really put a price on happiness & family?! We don’t think so. We have to try again if we can.
When I think of my future I see laugh lines, wrinkles and white hair. I see my amazing husband by my side while our grown children lovingly watch their children play around the Christmas tree. We want this. We aren’t ready to give up on this dream just yet. 👨👩👧👧
We thank you all for following in this journey with us. It has been scary to be this open publically but I hope it has helped someone out there reading to know they are not alone in this journey. I’ve been completely honest and tried my best to explain what this journey has been like. Infertility is probably one of the hardest things to go through as it affects you mentally, emotionally & physically. Its a 24hr/day illness and one many times you have absolutely no control over and did nothing to cause.
I will continue to blog and keep you all updated with our journey as long as you want to keep reading. I will contine to bring awareness to infertility as I strongly believe more people need to talk about it and become aware.
So, today was the big day…the day we’ve been so nervously awaiting for so long. It was embryo transfer day.
Let’s get the bad news out of the way first: our three beautiful embies did not survive as hoped 😔. Of the three, only one made it to today (Day 5 post retrieval). This means no embryos to freeze resulting in no second chances and no siblings (yes I know, never say never but reality says it’s not likely). We were both shocked & disheartened. The look on my husband’s face when the doctor told us was enough to break my heart in that instant 💔. But I couldn’t get upset as I was about to have the one embie that did survive transferred into my uterus and I had to stay as calm as possible for his or her sake. It was tough… if I’m honest, I felt that fear creep back in that fate was repeating itself. But the past is the past & I need to focus on the right now and what’s to come. 💟
Now for what we know. We know the the embie that did make it has developed normally & is where it should be as a day 5 blastocyst. Assited hatching was used to facilitate hatching which helps with implantation. To the doctor, our embie is developing as should and looks promising. This is great news which brings me hope that it will continue to thrive in utero. The last time we did our transfer the one embie we had was underdeveloped and considered “lazy” but was transferred to give it a fighting chance but unfortunately it didn’t work out. So things look more promising for this little guy or girl. It only takes 1 strong embie and a miracle right!! 🙏🦄🤞
My matris ultrasound score came back at 9.0/10 which is excellent. This means my uterine lining looks very welcoming, thick & sticky for a developing embryo to implant. It went up a whole point from last cycle when it was an 8. Very happy about this.
Tried acupuncture prior to transfer today & after to help facilitate implantation of our embie. They even used a heating lamp over my abdomen prior to transfer to “heat the oven” and embryos like a warm uterus for implantation (so I’m told). 🍳
The transfer itself went well but not without it’s hiccups. Transfer requires having a very full bladder so the Dr is able to see my uterus to guide the catheter. Now if you’ve ever had to pee really badly & had to hold it for over an hour before you know the discomfort. Now add laying on a table with someone poking around in your lady parts while the ultrasound tech pushes down on your belly …this equals not a pleasant experience 😖. Add to this my retrograde uterus that is tipped backwards and flipped on itself which as the Dr put “you & your uterus certainly make my job interesting” as he was having the darndest time trying to properly see my uterus on the ultrasound screen. But he did eventually find it (I hope) and transferred our embie successfully. Now the rest is up to it to thrive & survive and implant. 🤞😍🙏💗
(The circle shows the air bubble our embie is in within my uterus post transfer. The blue arrow is pointing towards my very enlarged ovary…they don’t lie when they say its huge!)
I’ve been feeling really bloated tonight and even a bit sickly. My bowels also are out of sorts and I’ve been having cramping and ‘pinching’ like feelings here & there. Very tired from today as it was quite a long and emotional day. Now to enter the dreaded two week+ wait to find out if was successful when I go for my beta blood test. Until then Mike & I will have to find ways to keep our minds occupied. Tomorrow may be a painting kind of day 🖌😉. I am on strict bed rest 🛌 for the next 3 days and to ‘be bored’ as the Dr put it. Then to remain relaxed and take it very easy over the next few weeks which i plan on doing!! Mike is so good he’ll take good care of ‘us’ 😁. Oh, and no more kitty litter duty for this girl, hehe. Nurses orders.
Thank you all for your messages, prayers and virtual hugs. Xxoo We have felt them all 🤗
Feeling good today, feeling positive.
Happy to share our 3 little embies are developing normally & thriving for day 3 and are where they should be in development 😍🍀
Feeling more positive with each day. Unfortunately, no more updates from the nurse/lab now until transfer day (Wednesday) so tomorrow is going to feel looooong! But its ok as they are strong 💪. Matris ultrasound went well & will get my score on Wendnesday but the tech said looked good and she would be surprised if there were any issues! 😊
Today is day 3 of the progesterone in oil injections 💉. Last round Mike was able to help me out but he is on afternoon shift right now so I’ve had to learn to do myself. Not as easy as i thought since they go in my glute muscle! It’s quite awkward (especially my left side) but I am managing! Since i started blood thinners also, I bled today quite a bit which was unexpected but it’s important to be on the ASA for 2 reasons: it promotes better blood flow to uterus & to prevent blood clots as the medications put me at higher risk.
Between last cycle and this one I’ve filled my large sharps container already!! 😯
Look forward to updating you on how transfer day went. Keep sending prayers, positive thoughts & baby dust 🦄
Yesterday everything went so good..so smoothly. I felt so optimistic, joyful & hopeful. They retrieved 9 eggs which is more than we could have ever hoped for. Then around 9pm last night I started experiencing bad pelvic & abdominal pains, upset stomach, extreme bloating and diarrhea (lucky me 😝). I am showing signs of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) which is kinda to be expected since I was so over stimulated from all the hormones. The nurse told me to keep an eye & if things get worse to go to emerge…but we aren’t at that point just yet. So even though I spent all night awake and unwell I still felt incredibly optimistic this morning. I sat by the phone nervously waiting for the nurse to call and update us on how many embryos we got. Since we had 9 eggs maybe 6 or 7 embryos?
Nope!! She called and notified us that from our 9 eggs…only 6 were mature & only 3 fertilized normally. She could not answer or explain what happened to the other 3 that fertilized abnormally as the lab only gives them limited information . So in 24hrs we have lost over 66% of our eggs 😢. I’m freaking out. I’m trying to remain hopeful but I’m afraid things are going to repeat themselves like last time…😣😔🙏🙏 I want my miracle too 🦄! I want this for Mike, for myself, for our families….please don’t take it away from us again. 🤰
If we only have 3 embryos by Day 1 of 5….how many will actually make it to transfer day!?! Last time we only had 3 embryos on day 1 also and each day, one by one, they would arrest and stop growing.
(This is the current stage of my 3 👆)
So you can see why I don’t want to be writing this post because it isn’t the news I want to share with all of you. But I promised I would share my story for others not to feel alone & hopefully inspire more conversations around infertility, and that means writing about the good and the bad.
I am afraid we are about to relive the same painful nightmare from back in March. I can’t do that again, how will we survive this time?! And now we will be left with such a huge debt too! *deep breaths* But there is always hope and we will keep holding on to that. And I have my amazing husband so together we can weather any storm.
A friend told me today ‘good things come in three’s’ and that made me think maybe my 3 embies (how i shall now refer to my embryos) is my 3 good things.
Now to anxiously await tomorrow’s call with my update….please bless us with positive news 🍀🤞.
So lots has happened over the past few days & I am pretty sure I’ve experienced every possible emotion : anxiety, fear, happiness, surprise, dread, hope, confusion…you get the idea.
It started 2 days ago when I went for my day 20 scan and found out one of my larger follicles had ruptured (which explained the sharp pain I felt the night before) and that my lining had shed 1.5mm and my estrogen was still higher than the doctor wanted. I was told not to panic (yah right) that things are still looking very hopeful. I was told I have been overstimulated, which was to be expected with the high dose meds, and thats probably why the ruptured follicle.
Best way to fix overstimulation is to get those eggs out! I was triggered that night with a half dose of 5000units of Hcg 💉 & retrieval was scheduled for 0930am Friday (today)!! 😁👌 Here we go!!
Now to explain how they do an egg retrieval: they use a long needle that they poke through the vaginal wall into every follicle (I had 15) & suck out the eggs (remember not every follicle will have an egg). Let me tell you, this experience is not a pleasant one. Last time I did this it hurt so bad tears streamed down my face the entire time. I was beyond nervous about having this done again -one time should have been enough!! I asked for extra drugs this time and the Doctor happily complied & boy what a difference it made 👍😴. I still felt pain but not nearly to the extent of last time. He said its because of the position of my ovaries and my uterus being tilted and retrograde (tilted backwards)
Now for the good news, we were able to retrieve 9 eggs from the 15 follicles. YAY! Who would of imagined this was even possible. Even our Dr was pleasantly surprised. I was praying for 8 so 9 is just fantastic!! 😁🙌 I always knew I was a bit of an over-achiever haha. Mike and I are over the moon with joy and hope! Time to cook those eggs!🥚🍳
This pic was taken right after the eggs were retrieved & we got the good news!
Now the wait until tomorrow for the call- how many eggs were mature, fertilized & were actually growing (this was the issue last time as they would just stop maturing/growing. They call this “arresting”). We are nervous as last time we didn’t get good news…but I have a good feeling things are different this time. 🙏👫💛 I head back to Toronto on Monday for a special Matris ultrasound that checks quality & stickiness of the endometrial lining to ensure it is good for embryo transfer on Wednesday. You get scored from 1-10 and they like a 7 or above to go ahead.
Thanks to everyone for all your love, prayers & support. Xo