I’ve been trying to think of the right words to convey how I feel right now…the truth is there are no words that could ever explain the pain, sadness & anger I feel. It consumes me and takes over every aspect of my life. Surviving each day is a constant struggle.
Its not fair!
I’m fed up with doing everything right and ending up with the same results. I’m fed up feeling like a failure, a constant disappointment. I’m fed up seeing the sadness flood in my husband’s face & eyes each time I tell him ‘it didn’t work again- We aren’t pregnant ‘. It breaks my heart. It breaks his.
I’m tired of seeing pregnancy announcements daily, getting baby shower invites and seeing gender reveals on facebook/instagram and crying a little more on the inside with each one as everyone else succeeds where I continue to fail. Now I’m not an asshole- I’m happy for my friends & family that get to grow their families and experience the joy I so badly want for myself & my husband. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. It just gets to a point…why them and not me? Why do they get a 2nd or 3rd child and we can’t even get pregnant?! I am a good person, a good wife, a good friend. People keep telling me “good things happen to good people” but thats just not true. Good things don’t always happen to good people like we think they should. Like we hope they will.
Have you ever wanted something so bad you dream about it every night. I have a closet of baby clothes and items that I wonder will I ever get the chance to use or will they serve as a constant reminder of what we don’t have. I wish someone could answer this for me…but no one can.
Four years ago Mike & I got married and shortly after we decided to start our family. We were SO excited for this new journey. Now here I sit with our wedding anniversary fast approaching as I think of the last 4 years and all the pain and heartache we’ve endured. Especially in the past 7 months with our IVF journey. But we are strong. We are survivors. We will get through this as we have the love of each other which only grows stronger with each day. We are not giving up. Not yet. We are meeting with the Doctor in August to see what options we have left. Its going to get expensive, it already has cost a lot! But can you really put a price on happiness & family?! We don’t think so. We have to try again if we can.
When I think of my future I see laugh lines, wrinkles and white hair. I see my amazing husband by my side while our grown children lovingly watch their children play around the Christmas tree. We want this. We aren’t ready to give up on this dream just yet. 👨👩👧👧
We thank you all for following in this journey with us. It has been scary to be this open publically but I hope it has helped someone out there reading to know they are not alone in this journey. I’ve been completely honest and tried my best to explain what this journey has been like. Infertility is probably one of the hardest things to go through as it affects you mentally, emotionally & physically. Its a 24hr/day illness and one many times you have absolutely no control over and did nothing to cause.
I will continue to blog and keep you all updated with our journey as long as you want to keep reading. I will contine to bring awareness to infertility as I strongly believe more people need to talk about it and become aware.