This post was written for Fertility Matters Canada online but I felt important to share here on my personal blog also.
If you asked me four years ago what I would be doing today about to turn 31 years old, I would have stated that I would be happily married with one or two kiddies running circles around me and my hubby. 👶 I would be itching to get away with my husband for some quality one on one time as it was scarce and hard to come by these days. We would be saving up to take our kids to Disney World to experience it together as neither of us ever went as children. We have imagined the magic in their eyes light up when they see that Disney castle 🏰 .We would watch as our kids learn to adapt to the world around them in awe and wonder of the little mini-me’s we created. We would be happy, in love and content with life.
Alas, this is the perfect dream but life is not always perfect-actually far from it for those of us still struggling with infertility and trying for our miracle
This is merely a dream as our reality is much different. As I sit typing this about to turn 31 years of age on Monday, I feel disheartened that my life has not turned out to this point as my husband & I have hoped. We are very happily married but there are no children running around us. There is no savings account for Disney World instead there is a line of credit that’s mounting up fast from the continued infertility treatments and failed IVF cycles. Where there should be joy and wonder watching our kids grow up there is heartache and longing that fills those voids. While parents are busy preparing their kids to go back to school its just another month for us. There is doctor appointment after doctor appointment and decreasing percentages for success with each failed attempt. Where there once was optimism now there is fear. Fear that we will never have that ‘dream life’ we have always longed for. Fear that life will never fully feel complete if we cannot have biological children of our own. Sadness that so many around us are blessed with their beautiful children and we can only experience it from the outside.
When I think back to my younger self at age 27 when we first started trying to conceive- there was so much hope, excitement and positivity. We were filled with anticipation of seeing those two lines appear on the pregnancy test and imagined the looks on our parents faces when we told them they were going to be grandparents (again for Mike’s family) and that my Nana was going to be a great-grandmother finally! With each month and year that passed that excitement has turned to frustration, stress and anxiety. The hope started to turn to worry that this may never work out for us. Happiness faded and depression crept in. Then I asked myself, “when did infertility start to rule my life?”. The answer was apparent- the moment I was diagnosed. Since then we have been putting our lives on hold and saying no to things because ‘we could get pregnant’ or ‘we need the money for IVF’ and ‘I can’t drink anyways what if this month is the month’! That is when I realized things needed to change for Mike and I for both our sanity and our emotional well-being. You only get one life in this world- LIVE IT!
That being said we just got back from 6 glorious nights spent on the beach in Nassau, Bahamas sipping on delicious drinks, eating good food, swimming, lounging and we even snorkelled with the caribbean reef sharks! For the first time in the past 2-3 years since we’ve been knee deep in IVF and infertility treatments- I felt the spark of life reignited with me. We both felt relaxed, happy & at peace. We forgot about all our struggles and focused on the ‘right now’. This is what life is about. Spending time with people you love doing the things that you love. It is ok to remind ourselves of this every once in a while during this incredible uphill climb that we call Infertility.
We are warriors, and every now and again even warriors need a break. I’m here to remind you that taking a much needed and deserved break is NOT a sign of weakness and is not giving up. It is important to refuel and recharge so that you are ready to face the next challenge or be ready to celebrate your success with everything you have! 🥂 🙏